How's the onion peeling going?

So, as you examine your old assumption behind the reactive behaviour, have you  peeled the onion back to the very core?

The core of your delusion as it were.

 

Do  you feel like you've  gotten to the heart of your old reactive behaviors and what was driving them?

When you say your old assumption outloud, do you cringe?

 

Or did you happen to stop short of naming the worst case scenario?

Perhaps because it just sounded so ridiculous.

 

I am asking because I noticed I did that.

Like I had high scores in complying and also in protecting.

 

My original wording of my old assumption was all about what was going on behind my complying behaviors.

'If I rock the boat, I'll be dumped.'

 

It felt true and yet… it didn't sum up the whole story.

My protecting strategies came from a slightly different place.

I was talking it through with a friend recently when she put words to what I was feeling:  "Yah but they won't give a shit anyway"

 

RIGHT!, 'If I rock the boat, they either won't care or I'll be dumped.'

'If I speak up,  I'll be ignored or abandoned.'

Ah...

'Nobody really gives a shit about me or my ideas.'

There it is.

 

Yikes.

 

You know you have the right wording when it kind of goes thunk.

Like you just got punched in the gut.

That feeling.

 

Yup, that’s the truth.


Our bodies talk to us all day long with feedback like that.

Part of this work is learning to listen to it  better is all.

For both the disonant thunk and the resonant "yeah!"

 

So - heads up:

You have full permission to be big-time dramatic and irrational in the words you choose to put to your old sense of identity.

The fundamentally flawed version.

Your unconscious approach to leadership.

 

Because it WAS irrational and dramatic and oh so over the top.

You actually have to let yourself go there in order to name it accurately. To get at what it is.

Crazy as it may sound.

 

For some of us it's about death:

'If I get involved emotionally, I'll suffocate. '

'If I speak my truth I'll die.'

 

For some of us worse than death is being abandoned or judged or ignored:

'If I am not perfect, I am nothing.'

'If they see the real me, they'll run.'

'If I ignore what others think, I'll be ruined.'

 

So if your old assumption doesn't sound dramatically worst case scenario…look at it again.

Perhaps there's a layer beneath to be looked at.

 

 'Nobody really gives a shit about me or my ideas.'

Pretty dramatic and ridiculous.

And yet, that’s the old story that’s been running my actions.

 

Its like a  doublecheck of your conclusion. I am sure there is a six sigma term for this kind of process because its related to problem solving - for our solutions to have the right impact, we need to be clear on the problem we are solving.

 

So maybe we need a criteria checklist! Tell me, what would you add to this:

You know you have gotten to the core of it when you say your old assumption outloud and  -

  • It feels like the ultimate and absolute worst case scenario to you
  • You have some physical reaction like nausea or muscles clenching or cringing
  • You can judge it as a completely irrational and ridiculous statement ...yet at the same time it feels true
  • ?

 

p.s. You don't have to share this dramatic version when you are engaging your raters and manager.

You can dumb it down for them if that feels more comfortable. But don't rip yourself off.

You deserve to  name the truth for yourself.

Comments  

 
0 #1 Delores 2017-09-18 02:51
Howdy! This article could not be written any better!

Looking at this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
He constantly kept talking about this. I will send
this article to him. Fairly certain he's going to have a very good
read. I appreciate you for sharing!

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